Wednesday, November 20, 2002
BREATHE THIS
This is the FIRST entry. It's meant to explain some things:
This is just a place for me to put thoughts. Some of them will be written here for the first time, and some of them will be copied out of previous writings. I don't have the dates for most of these previous writings, so the dates here are completely fictional and mostly are supposed to be ignored. It also means that there is no particular order to any of this, so don't expect it to flow together or make sense in any way.
This is just a bunch of random thoughts that were in my head, and at some point in time had to be transferred to allow me to breathe again. I'm a writer only by necessity. It's what keeps me from exploding. So, with that being said- Welcome to my Nightmare. I think you're gonna like it.
Posted at 11:23 am by cailynn
Thursday, November 21, 2002
life is an old man selling flowers
i am tired of being so dissatisfied. i am tired of being afraid of stupid things. i am tired of being petty and angry. it's hard to make a stand and be respected. people don't like people making waves in their private little pools, but sometimes they need someone to climb in there and conjure a little bit of hell, maybe tip the pool over afterward and leave them standing there, dripping wet and embarressed, staring at that little round patch of dead grass the little plastic pool has been covering. maybe some of them will be smart enough to plant a garden.
every day... i get a little bit closer...
the time is getting closer...
the closer i am to fine...
Posted at 11:26 am by cailynn
Friday, November 22, 2002
like leaves fallen
out of focus for the moment, but ever strenthening in intuition,
the corridors of my mind are full of possibility
which is kind way of saying they are currently empty.
her fingers reach into the ashes to retrieve what remains of me
or one of her favourite addictions simultaneously
and i don't need to justify my preoccupations anymore
i am beyond these brochures
advertising a semblance of plastic happiness
i am expressing a longing that needs no explaination
perpetuating my own kind of bliss
my own private hallucinogenic
my delirium, my oblivion...
this is an outlet for my anxiety,
anchored in the smokey chasms of my own awareness
of ego or superego,
a claiming of self- discovery
or exploration of the entire concept of obscenity
remember to not let go
remember to always be cognizant of Truth
and just keep on...
Posted at 11:33 am by cailynn
Saturday, November 23, 2002
5:25 am
Symmetry of skeletons, colours, contours down the center of soul
enclosed enveleoped by flesh tones
warmth of blood, bile, chemical
liquid loathing languishing within this form
fathoming only the tactile, the sensory explosions inside
translating the world external
lack of self in usual terms, emotions refuse to match to reality
mental perception becoming ground down to a paperdoll fragility
lack of symmetry between the image and the feeling
Posted at 11:48 am by cailynn
Monday, November 25, 2002
*
Vanity drowns, how punk rock.
My agony is evident in this rusted lock.
The cynicism is in the sacrifice of secrets revealed
And I still can't bring myself to tell you how I feel
Authenticity versus arrogance, we force the conversation
In the shadows of this delusion, we fake our consolations
Victory is complete when the victim tears at your soul
Karma can be a bitch sometimes, forcing us into our roles
Do you believe in Angels? What is an Angel? Benevolance
personified? Do they have souls? Do they have a sex?
Are they capable of evil? How do we know if we've seen one?
YOU'RE SUCH AN INSPIRATION:=
Posted at 11:52 am by cailynn
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
GENESIS
I wish I may I want I feel I don't know how to be all of me at once and not lose my "sanity". I try to keep on dragging through the day to day- just to get over it, get through it. Sometimes, I think pieces of me get lost inbetween, in the translation between Truth and just surviving. I want to find out who I've been before (if I have been), so that I can try to figure out my relationships in this life.
Posted at 12:22 pm by cailynn
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
Not like you and me
"I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed." -alanis
Love looking, lusting, holding, flying angel, anger, apple
Citrus= certify
"Art is why I get up in the morning, but my definition ends there. You know it doesn't seem fair that I'm living for something I can't even define." -ani d
A definition of self:
fire runs through me like lava from the depths of this planet. Emotions fall unfettered from every opening in my mind and fill the space around me and in me until my world is saturated like flood plains, like the jungle after summer's downpour. I cling to these things that I do not understand because they are the only sense of self that I know. I have very little left for a defense mechanism. Maybe a lingering superficiality that drives away most of those that are capable of tearing it down. I am slowly destroying the social graces, the prejudices and the fear and guilt that held down the process. So many people in my life have contributed to the disintegration of that separation- that mask. My mother did everything in her power (with little or no effort on her part) to teach me how to push down and break the will of anything that could touch me that deeply, could hurt me in any way. She did it to herself and my father even more deeply and completely than she could reach or teach me. Give me your hands that I might reach you. Give me your mind so that I might learn and learn to teach you. I am no longer the rock, the island my father gladly accepts as his role, his definition. I have my books and my poetry, but they are no longer my armour or my outlet- they are my life force, my inspiration and my oracle. They betray any Truth I manage to obscure or alter. Thank you to whatever part of my brain refuses to be held down- I don't think I'd make it without you. The noise still happens and still manages to hurt me, frighten me, but I'm a little better at control, at a return to reality from that point.
I'm so afraid of being too serious. I'm so afraid of being taken seriously. Will I still figure out how to laugh? Will I be able to defend who I am and what I stand for? I'm afraid of being shallow- is anything I say or think really my own? Am I one of the many, lost in the fray? I'm afraid of not caring. I'm afraid of being plain. I'm afraid of beind intellectual. Will I be able to maintain my "sanity"? How can I be a philosopher and a romantic? Is anything I say TRUE? I'm afraid of being an individualist. I've spent so much time looking like a lot of other people and trying not to say or do anything that other people wouldn't say or do. No matter how I try, I can't even fit into MY concept of what I'm supposed to be. IT EMBODIES WHAT SHE CANNOT BE...
SHE'S NOT LIKE YOU AND ME AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE
"I've been a long time coming, I'll be a long time gone. You get your whole life to do something and that's not very long." -ani d
Posted at 12:25 pm by cailynn
Thursday, November 28, 2002
#3
When people talk about the weather, they say "Oh- it's supposed to rain tomorrow," because they don't really believe the forecast in the papers. Wouldn't it be funny if they didn't believe in calenders and clocks- "it's supposed to be Thursday tomorrow, but you never can tell," and they DID believe in horoscopes: "What's today?" "Oh- i'm going to have a fling with a sensitive Libra." "Well, I guess you just have to go with the flow. In two days my luck will change anyway. It's so nice to have such certainty. Did you hear it's supposed to be three o'clock soon? Wasn't it three o'clock yesterday too? I hate how the time is so repetitive every day."
Posted at 01:00 pm by cailynn
CK
1:55 am
concentrated frustration, dragging through the day to day, pushing pain with every sour word onto each unsuspecting passerby.
I hate trying to decide between my logic and my emotional crap. "I've got to divide my emotions between wrong and right." I'm trying very hard not to resent her decisions just because I don't happen to agree. I'm trying not to be angry with her for opposing me when I know her opinion is just as justifiable as mine. It's SO hard to condone something I don't agree with.
1:00 Your stratosphere generating, pulsating, clings to the... Electricity awaits you. Anchored to the earth I am, by concrete and carefully woven satin ribbons of pink. Someday, I know I will find the strength to get up and over you.
Posted at 01:09 pm by cailynn
Friday, November 29, 2002
Carpe Diem
the archetecture of you, you, thee thee thee give me your skeleton, give me the skin it's in... i could spend my life travelling the continent of your body each night. the human form can be such a work of art. sometimes i feel like my self-conscious, hesitating, clumsy demeanor doesn't do credit to my frame. my poise is kind of a betrayal of grace, of artistic form- awkward, jolting, broken and bound too firmly to the earth. i wish i was more fire in my physicality like i am in my emotions and my mind. i wish i was fluid dancing, jumping, twirling
maybe i could learn. maybe i could be more like air and fly...
Posted at 01:29 pm by cailynn
