BREATHE THIS

Saturday, November 30, 2002

How to Disappear Completely

Sometimes it hurts to know the Truth and wish you could change it and then be glad you didn't because you've learned from it and they wouldn't care or even notice you either way.

the essence of sound, movement causing vibration whether real or electronic. it's physical and extremely tangible, though i don't think tangibility is extreme. it's kind of pass/fail true/false. sound is physical but its essence provokes emotion the way physical vibrations alone cannot. if i every lost the ability to listen, would I be able to feel the changes? would I even know if my favorite song was there? i know that there is a difference between deaf and Deaf and that you don't need to "hear" the drums if you can feel them. Wakinyan. a heyoka. but what would it be like to be Meg and have it, but then lose it?

Angel of tomorrow
mercy salvation surrender
anxiety overflowing into melancholy
reservations of the aware
self-preservation awareness
circling death underground
waiting waiting anticipating
just long enough
just as long as you can...
until it becomes obsolete.

Posted at 01:33 pm by cailynn
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Sunday, December 01, 2002

this day does not exist

follow me fake me, torture me take me. i would accept anything at all from you in this moment in time, just because I'm still so utterly amazed by you. I would take your abuse and revel in it, just to be the center of your attention for now. i need a catalyst, some kind of instigation in my life to start my fire again. god, that sounds lame. "c'mon baby light my fire." i'm afraid of myself- the thoughts in my head, the sides of me that are eternally restless and ceaselessly searching and criticizing teh static nature of my current life. she doesn't realize the number of times the thought of her just...
she seems so out of reach, so ENDLESS--- it's difficult to reconcile the many voices, the many people i am simultaneously. i feel like i'm suffocating or drowning or something. i'm too young to feel so old, to feel so trapped. is it possible to have a mid life crisis at my age? People talk about college fostering perpetual childhood. They say we are all trying to prolong adolescence until 30. I'm trying to grow up because I want the future to be now, but I still want to be young, experiment, experience, LIVE! How do I reconcile maturity and youth?

I hate feeling like this! It's a betrayal of everything I'm trying to prove and be and accomplish! I want to be happy with my plans for the future.

Posted at 01:40 pm by cailynn
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Monday, December 02, 2002

Lucky Charms

What if I'm like my mother who puts bread in the brown sugar and rice in the salt because her mother taught her to, and she has to think for quite a while to rationalize it? Sometimes it takes me a really long time to decide to have coffee like I always do, and an even longer time to choose a cheap Bic to write with and longer yet to justify it. Sometimes, I do it for you, sometimes I do it in spite of you, but I can never truly justify it because there is no Truth to it, no meaning, no purpose, no reason.

I hate the world today. I am extremely disappointed in the American people.
and I hate, and I hate, and I hate
and I hate George W. Bush

Posted at 02:08 pm by cailynn
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Tuesday, December 03, 2002

skipping dread

just when you think you're gonna cry

multiply that X 10

i carry you baby... i carry you around

sometimes (because i usually say everything that's on my mind) i expect people to hear things that I don't say, and understand me. if they don't, i can be mean. sometimes, and often even, i am not sure whether i really did say that

the first question will be "what were you thinking?" the next question will be "what did you say?" and they're gonna check to see if the answers to one and two match up much along the way.

DEEP THOUGHT.

Posted at 02:16 pm by cailynn
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Wednesday, December 04, 2002

she was an angel, she looked like an angel

she walked like an animal, tracking her prey
she effortlessly destroyed my all
something in her eyes betrayed my thoughts
and she spoke out loud the writing on the wall

There are
moments where

I can't breathe out of fear
of what is happening to me
to everyone. There are times
I can't move because I think that
if I do, my entire reality will come
crashing down around me, revealing

fantasy. There are times where I

keep my eyes closed tight
just to protect myself from
anything I might not want to see.
Sometimes, I think
that this stops me from
seeing the good things
and the things I need answers to
but I don't know how to
stop myself.
I am
afraid.

Posted at 02:21 pm by cailynn
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Thursday, December 05, 2002

pentacles

How does one learn to measure success by a token of esteem, Love by tokens of affection. Better to measure Life by a subway token, bent and broken, lying in a gutter, staring at the stars.

"shit balls" sez Marianne, laughing and drooling. George Bush is president. I knew that it would happen. I'm kind of numb. Apathetic. Annoyed even. This country sucks. Politics suck my energy. I've lost my passion, my ability to give a fuck. FUCK. FUCK. TBBBTTT!

Posted at 02:28 pm by cailynn
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Friday, December 06, 2002

Pandora

And I still keep a razor blade in my pocket, in case I slip and fall back into it. I need to have a simple and sufficient way to end it. This isn't about storm clouds, it's about ending something much darker and when it comes to dark clouds...
I AM the silver lining.

Posted at 02:32 pm by cailynn
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Saturday, December 07, 2002

Fiction: Description

The smoke convulsed and shrank from her as she moved, melted away by her body heat. As the distance between us drew closer, parts of her emerged from the haze. I was first aware of her legs, smooth brown and muscular; pillars half-encased in black leather. My gaze travelled upward, taking in the slender grace of her hands as they swung casually at her sides, framed by silver bangles clasped about her wrists. A cigarette dangled from her fingertips. I took note of a tattoo on her bare left shoulder, but couldn't make out what it was.
Her face appeared suddenly, set in a cushion of black curls which appeared to hover above and behind her, following a set of rules all their own and refusing to be tamed.
Smoke from her cigarette floated up around and through her hair until the two were indistinguishable. There was an air of weightlessness around her, as if she didn't walk so much as she simply shifted her body weight through her hips and thighs, just enough to enable her to glide. One hand reached up to touch a bead on the necklace she had laced tightly against her throat. She rolled it between her forefinger and her thumb and smiled at me with full lips painted the color of blackberries, parted ever so slightly.
By this time, she was only about ten feet away from me and I realized she was looking at me, dark eyes searching for something, searching so deeply I almost felt as if she was looking through me to the crowded dance floor. Then, something in that smile said that this gaze, these eyes, this moment in time belonged to the two of us only, and deliberately.

"Hello," I said....

Posted at 02:40 pm by cailynn
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Sunday, December 08, 2002

I am truly sorry

do re mi

such a sad state to be in, with your resentment residing in my skull. I hold it in that space between my teeth and my tongue. no matter how hard I try to ignore it, i find myself playing with it, feeding my oral fixation, fulfilling my inner masochist, rubbing it back and forth until my gums bleed. and then, hurting, and with my mouth full of blood, I am angry with myself for accepting this from you, but I can't bear to swallow it, and I'm too lady-like to spit it out. this I've learned from you. do this in memory of me.

what kind of sign am i looking for? what kind of salvation do I have in mind? What if my purpose is just to be here and act as a support beam, stability or maybe a catalyst for someone else, an inspiration, an invitation, your next incarnation, an apology for the past.

I am a work in progress. I want to be constantly changing, getting better, a more clear and artistic representation of a completed composition. I have been chisled and slowly sculpted by my experiences. some pieces were taken by people who took away from the aesthetics, but it was added to by others who were capable of making honest and beautiful mistakes. those are my favorites.

like it or not, we live in times of danger and uncertainty

Posted at 03:17 pm by cailynn
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Monday, December 09, 2002

nightshade

I want to force her into the database, infected, injected, rejected by the system and thrust into the arms of the neon lights and the 50% off sales, beating you, mistreating the longing of blanket friends, holy and held up, but never broken. The sound of jubilation, lost and found in concentration: "I am alright for now this time it doesn't hurt as much" to work without a script and be in love with the landscape, lusting after the rain and unfolding an image of beauty that no one else can comprehend. we are made to fuck and freak out and learn to live with the fire- whether we contain it or let it burn free. I hate feeling this way- like waiting for the future to begin and then watching it fade in a rear view mirror to a vague memory which, when examined is nothing but a collection of brush strokes and may not be a landscape at all... and in that moment, the future is lost and waiting once again to be reborn...

Posted at 03:36 pm by cailynn
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